Moving On

It's been over a week now, and I just cannot get her out of my mind. Maybe, it's because when my dad called to tell me, we both cried; or maybe it's because my daughter Christine wrote such a precious post about her, maybe it's because of the shock of the drastic nature of her action, maybe it's because I, too, have dealt with depression over the years, and yet I cannot think of a time, even in my deepest depths, I would have considered that my life just could not get better. Maybe it is because God is using this tragedy to show His power, in all circumstances.
She was only 29, a mother of 2 very young girls, a wife...of a minister(for some reason, ALWAYS held to a higher standard), a daughter, an actress, singer, and friend to so many. Yet, in her darkest moment, she could grasp none of those things. How does the Christian respond to such an act...the act of taking one's own life? How do we answer the questions that such a tragedy brings?
Despair is a lonely place. Over and over again, Satan screams in our ears that we are worthless. We trudge along, only to find we have dug ourselves deeper and deeper into that pit. Satan is having a party, now! Because, not only has he dragged one precious soul down, he has brought everyone else along for the ride. Our souls cry out for mercy...peace, but we think there is none. Whatever the shame is we are hiding becomes outwardly evident for all to see. Satan is turning somersaults...and we are dying inside. It just becomes too much, and although those around us are cheering for us and loving us, it is just too much. Was her pain so great in those final moments that she felt alone, or did she see the hand of God reaching out to her? Was she in so much pain that she couldn't even see Him? Some will say that she made a choice to take something that wasn't even hers - her life. But, I choose to think that the illness called depression is real. It is under-diagnosed, covered up, shameful to many, so overwhelming at times that the one who is so sick cannot tell you whether what they are doing is right or wrong. And, only God can fully understand. And I am so thankful that He will be the only one whose judgment will matter.
There is a book that someone gave me a few years ago when we were both going through devastating times. It is called "The Next Place", written by Warren Hanson. He is the author of "A Cup of Christmas Tea", one of my favorites. "The Next Place" is summed up on the inside cover as follows..."the Next Place is an inspirational journey of light and hope to a place where earthly hurts are left behind. An uncomplicated journey of awe and wonder to a destination without barriers." One passage from the book offers comfort to those left behind..."I won't even remember getting there. Somehow I'll just arrive. But I'll know I belong there...I will finally be perfect. I will be without a flaw. I will never make one more mistake, or break the smallest law...there is not a single thing that I would ever want to bring except the love of those who loved me..."
There will be questions and so many highs and lows during this journey of grief for this family. There will be judgments made by some self-appointed experts on the subject of suicide, unanswered questions that a lifetime will not resolve, anger, denial, physical and emotional pain, concern over the future issues that her final act will impact, and so much more.
My prayer is that even though her act was so permanent and so painful for so many, including herself, that somehow she is at rest now. Depression is exhausting, and maybe she was just so tired. I pray that the God of all grace has given her the ultimate healing and rest, and that He is doing the same for her family and friends.